By: Amy R. Gan, pht
Feminist author and social activist, bell hooks, guides readers through the topic of love in her book All About Love: New Visions (2000). She explores romantic and familial love, then goes further to show how love is crucial for the well-being of our communities and for social justice work. In this text, I will go through pertinent quotes to help us understand what a love ethic is, how it can be the key to social wellness and justice, and how we can start to incorporate it into our lives.
Let’s first define love:
“To truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients - care, affection,
recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open
communication.” (35)
Love is a verb and needs all of these components to be called love. If we practice all these traits of love in our relationships and in our daily interactions with others, how would that change our lives?
What is a love ethic?
A love ethic “presupposes that everyone has the right to be free, to live fully and well” (137), evolving the above definition of love into a life philosophy. This ethic could and should be used in all spheres of life: politics, religion, work, household, and intimate relationships.
A love ethic provides us a set of values to help us feel fulfilled and to clarify our choices (137). We should make decisions based on the belief that honesty, integrity, and openness are important in every matter.
If we applied a love ethic, we would learn to “value loyalty and commitment to sustained bonds over material advancement” (138), as human life and well-being should take precedence over making money (even if career goals can be important). bell hooks continues that behaving unethically and selfishly is like eating junk food: “while it may taste good, in the end the body is never really adequately nourished and remains in a constant state of lack and longing” (139).
After choosing a love ethic, we would live by the associated values. As many self-help books suggest, living by our values is a critical component to fulfillment and happiness (for example, see The Happiness Trap: Stop Struggling, Start Living by Russ Harris). bell hooks gives an example of how those who stand up for what they believe in are people who are simply living by their values:
“Talking to a university audience recently I expressed my faith in the power of
white people to speak out against racism, challenging and changing prejudice
emphatically stating that I definitely believe we can all change our minds and our
actions. I stressed that this faith was not rooted in a utopian longing but, rather,
that I believed this because of our nation’s history of the many individuals who
have offered their lives in the service of justice and freedom. When challenged by
folks who claimed that these individuals were exceptions, I agreed. But I then
talked about the necessity of changing our thinking so that we see ourselves as
being like the one who does change rather than among those who refuse to
change. What made these individuals exceptional was not that they were any
smarter or kinder than their neighbors but that they were willing to live the
truth of their values.” (140)
What would happen if we all embraced a love ethic and we all lived by our values? She answers:
“An overall cultural embrace of a love ethic would mean that we would all oppose
much of the public policy conservatives condone and support.” (143)
And what if our government and their policies were driven by an ethic of love?
“If all public policy was created in the spirit of love, we would not have to
worry about unemployment, homelessness, schools failing to teach children,
or addiction. Were a love ethic informing all public policy in cities and towns,
individuals would come together and map out programs that would affect the
good of everyone.” (153)
Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Zen Buddhist, teaches a similar philosophy. He shares the Noble Eightfold Path, with eight elements that lead us to well-being. This path starts with Right View, which is a view based on non-discrimination, understanding and compassion. From the foundation of this view, we are prompted to develop compassionate and understanding thinking, loving speech, and supportive and protective actions. This Path has a large emphasis on loving practice and illuminates the path of enlightenment, again demonstrating that an ethic of love supports the well-being of everyone. Here is a short excerpt clip of his explanation of the Noble Eightfold Path: https://youtu.be/toVNeTrwbtc.
Photo of bell hooks . From https://ethics.org.au/big-thinker-bell-hooks/
Barriers on our way to love
All this said, if we want a culture of love, we (society) will need to “let go of our obsession with power and domination” (136).
Lens of greed, domination, and fear
Our status quo does not operate in an ethic of love. We operate with the lens of greed, domination, and fear.
“Cultures of domination rely on the cultivation of fear as a way to ensure
obedience. In our society we make much of love and say little about fear. Yet we
are all terribly afraid most of the time. As a culture we are obsessed with the
notion of safety. Yet we do not question why we live in states of extreme anxiety
and dread. Fear is the primary force upholding structures of domination.” (145)
Fear is in many places in our lives. As a simple example: with a marginal public safety net, the fear of homelessness looms over many.
Violence & greed in the media
As a culture critic, bell hooks analyses the harm that the media industry creates through their works. The images of violence, action and gore are much more popular amongst viewers than more peaceful scenes. We allow ourselves to be entertained by images of “violent dehumanization” (150). It follows then that these acts become more “acceptable in our daily lives and that we become less likely to respond to them with moral outrage or concern” (150). In contrast, if we were exposed to loving images and role models, it would have a positive impact on our lives.
The culture of greed is so deeply embedded and addictive—as demonstrated by our ongoing need for instant gratification (171). We grew up absorbing media that showed us that acquiring new things and having power over others is the norm. How can we freely offer compassion in a capitalist society where people are persuaded to take as much as they can and give as little as possible? In general, this leads to wide acceptance or tolerance of dehumanizing and unethical behaviour.
This greed also seeps into our personal relationships and toxifies them, with the expectations of instant gratification.
“When greedy consumption is the order of the day, dehumanization
becomes acceptable. Then, treating people like objects is not only acceptable
but is required behavior. It’s the culture of exchange, the tyranny of marketplace
values. Those values inform attitudes about love. … How many times do we hear
someone say “Well, if that person is not satisfying your needs you should get rid
of them”? … Committed bonds (including marriage) cannot last when this is
the prevailing logic. And friendships or loving community cannot be valued
and sustained.” (173)
Overwhelmed by the world’s big issues, many people become nihilistic. There are so many daunting cultural and natural disasters that we face, that it may be emotionally easier to not face them. However, we can make a positive difference when we choose to love and reach out to others.
“Calling attention to the pervasive nihilism in our society he reminds us: ‘Nihilism
is not overcome by arguments or analyses, it is tamed by love and care.’” (146)
Emphasized quote reading "How can we freely offer compassion in a capitalist society where people are persuaded to take as much as they can and give as little as possible?"
How the ethos of greed and love are incompatible
The system tells us we can be a power-seeking capitalist and have a fulfilling life, but the different forces acting in our lives will not be compatible. The will to dominate is motivated by lack, whereas the will to love is fueled by wholeness.
“In the conclusion to his insightful work The Art of Loving … psychoanalyst Erich
Fromm courageously calls attention to the reality that “the principle underlying
capitalistic society and the principle of love are incompatible.” He contends:
“Our society is run by a managerial bureaucracy, by professional politicians;
people are motivated by mass suggestion, their aim is producing more and
consuming more, as purposes in themselves.” The cultural emphasis on endless
consumption deflects attention from spiritual hunger. We are endlessly
bombarded by messages telling us that our every need can be satisfied by
material increase. … While the zeal to possess intensifies, so does the sense of
spiritual emptiness. Because we are spiritually empty we try to fill up on
consumerism. We may not have enough love but we can always shop. Our
national spiritual hunger springs from a keen awareness of the emotional
lack in our lives. It is a response to lovelessness.” (119)
Lovelessness is the void that we try to fill with different consumptions: shopping, passive activities (watching mindless media), intoxicating substances, other addictions (167). We need to treat the cause of these sufferings by studying how to love.
Dysfunctional patterns in a family are another example of when there are opposing factors at play: love and domination (36). These patterns may be repeated over generations, where true love is polluted with domination, usually disguised. Domination can happen inside and outside of the family, and is not compatible with a love ethic. bell hooks shares:
“Domination cannot exist in any social situation where a love ethic prevails.
Jung’s insight, that if the will to power is paramount love will be lacking, is
important to remember. When love is present the desire to dominate and
exercise power cannot rule the day. All the great social movements for freedom
and justice in our society have promoted a love ethic.” (153)
What happens when we choose love anyways?
We have to fight hard to swim against the current to choose a love ethic. It will not be easy because it is not intuitive after being programmed in an imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchal world (as bell hooks calls out).
We can start by:
1) Acknowledging the wounds
“As a nation, we need to gather our collective courage and face that our
society’s lovelessness is a wound. As we allow ourselves to acknowledge the
pain of this wound when it pierces our flesh and we feel in the depths of our soul
a profound anguish of spirit, we come face to face with the possibility of
conversation, of having a change of heart. In this way, recognition of the wound
is a blessing because we are able to tend it, to care for the soul in ways that
make us ready to receive the love that is promised.” (323)
2) Choosing to love
“When we choose to love we choose to move against fear—against alienation
and separation. The choice to love is a choice to connect—to find ourselves in the
other.” (146)
3) Learning what a love ethic means & analyze our current actions
“Embracing a love ethic means that we utilize all the dimensions of lov
—’care, commitment, trust, responsibility, respect, and knowledge’—in our
everyday lives. We can successfully do this only by cultivating awareness. Being
aware enables us to critically examine our actions to see what is needed so that
we can give care, be responsible, show respect, and indicate a willingness to
learn. ” (147)
When we choose to embody a love ethic, we can start to see ourselves in others and see others in ourselves. We create an inspiring vision of a loving life in a community. We can afford empathy and concern for the collective and live a fulfilling life with others.
